We have been changing and growing its been some time since we have blogged. Where to begin??
Leen and Jessica are pretty much inward these days. The good news.... I have been out a whole lot more and co-concussions. Rebecca and Beast have integrated, I believe have not heard from nether in some time.
I am working and sharing more of my story with others..
Life today has its moments. I feel the switch more, my headaches are not as bad unless I am at Disney world lol... All the little's love it and they also love Peanut butter Ice cream (who knew) lol I find I struggle with guilt that I did not help my individuals. The memories seem to get worse, but I am no longer shocked, but I still at times go into denial and I even say I am faking this because there is no way this could be happen...
I have developed some amazing friends also with DID it does help to know there are others.
I still take medication for my depression and anxiety this does help most times of course each day I tend to struggle with some form of emotion not ever really sure what I am feeling. My therapist says its ok and that she feels I try to rush my recovery (of course who would not, who would not want to just get better)?
My bio father has moved close and I am hoping for a friendship to develop of course he does not know about DID but he does know about my PTSD but don't think he really gets it. As for my dear mother she still has drama in her life, she still has abusive people and I am just over hoping that she will change and realize she does not need to pick such losers in her life, but I am also learning its her life I have boundaries. We see her one to perhaps 3 times a month.
My relationship with JP- To have someone truly care who deals with anger, self harmer and personality changes from day to day is a amazing to say. "I am his rose and we are beautiful." touches my heart so .
He does struggle with some insiders who have some major anger and like to play games with him. some times I feel its me I know whats happening but I cant seem to stop it at times and sometimes its like what happen? what did I say? But he is so understanding and just works with whom ever is out at the time.
My sponsor is still helpful at times but I still feel I am in the dark sometimes theirs no one even though I do have so much support but when I go to that dark place it just me. I still have not shared much with my therapist fear of being judged, fear of what she say, fear she put us away. it is better to keep some things to self.....
What I struggle with the most the not knowing who will be out? what I will be feeling? when will I have my next crying attack ( which is sometimes hours of crying so much that my pillow is socked) I do love the days when I feel completely happy and for just a few moments I may even feel whole. I still searching for my soul at least that's how I feel always searching for my soul. Can you believe this? The affects of rap, abuse, domestic violence changes one life when they had no memories, to being care free, life is great to at times fearful of the outside, fearful of surrounding yourself with people, being in a crowed room but yet have no connection to not one person.... Sometimes being alone is so much better. I do love nature and love the parks, mountains, rivers. I look at that I think what beauty God made but how can a perfect God go so wrong when he created humans????
Each day is a new day, each day I move forth thinking and trying to remember the good. Knowing its beauty but also knowing when the world is what it is a evil place of many walking in the darkness not even having a clue theirs a war going on between life and death, between good and evil... that we people are in the mix of this war that will only truly end when evil is no longer and the light is upon the earth........
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