Life and Lies

 Do you ever feel your life is a lie and nothing is true? From the moment you were born it all became a big fat LIE!!!!!!

Sometimes I want to know every thing, I want all my memories and to know 100% I am not CRAZY!!! but then I think what if I am Crazy??? What if every thing I have been feeling, seeing and thinking is all a lie... But then I think why would I make up such a outrageous lie????

Sometimes I think all my parts are not real and some day every one will know the truth that I am a LIAR!!! But then I think every thing I believe in will be a lie every moment I have shared, cried and laughed with Shadow, Jay, Shim, Leen etc. it all be for nothing!!!!!

How can I say there a lie even now as I write this, I see them for the individuals they are,  none look like me, I don't even think they act like me. I know I am not the brave person they are oh  how brave and courageous they have been in a way I can never ever be.

My life is DID or as I like to say DIG.... How did I keep this hidden for so long, people who think they know me, really don't how can they when at times I don't even know myself....


I think about what is normal? Normal I don't think anyone really knows what normal is, its what the world  thinks normal is and to be in the world you have to play normal....
So here I play normal, fear of what would people think in world? Fear of losing what I love working with children, fear of people pointing fingers saying I'm nothing but a liar, but wait was there not a famous football player who came out that he was DID and wrote a book about it???

I want to tell people about my recovery how I feel God, JP, My, Friends, My sponsor the once that I hide the world from so others cant know.... Do I even make seance? I want to help others by sharing my story

I am not a liar, I was victim of abuse. I was a child and bad things happen to me so much that I had to find a way to live and that was not remembering and having others help me...... That is Truth...

I have this side of me a new part perhaps who is denial, who thinks she is one and there is no others and she refuses to see me.  But I need her to see me for she is part of me but another puzzle that needs to find its place......

My life now with DID

We have been changing and growing its been some time since we have blogged. Where to begin??


 Leen and Jessica are pretty much inward these days. The good news.... I have been out a whole lot more and co-concussions. Rebecca and Beast have integrated, I believe have not heard from nether in some time.  
I am working and sharing more of my story with others..

Life today has its moments. I feel the switch more, my headaches are not as bad unless I am at Disney world lol... All the little's love it and they also love Peanut butter Ice cream (who knew) lol I find I struggle with guilt that I did not help my individuals. The memories seem to get worse, but I am no longer shocked, but I still at times go into denial and I even say I am faking this  because there is no way this could be happen...

I have developed some amazing friends also with DID  it does help to know there are others.

I still take medication for my depression and anxiety this does help most times of course each day I tend to struggle with some form of emotion not ever really sure what I am feeling. My therapist says its ok and that she feels I try to rush my recovery (of course who would not, who would not want to just get better)? 

My bio father has moved close and I am hoping for a friendship to develop of course he does not know about DID but he does know about my PTSD but don't think he really gets it. As for my dear mother she still has drama in her life, she still has abusive people and I am just over hoping that she will change and realize she does not need to pick such losers in her life, but I am also learning its her life I have boundaries. We see her one to perhaps 3 times a month.

My relationship with JP- To have someone truly care who deals with anger, self harmer and personality changes from day to day is a amazing to say. "I am his rose and we are beautiful." touches my heart so .
He does struggle with some insiders who have some major anger and like to play games with him. some times I feel its me I know whats happening but I cant seem to stop it at times and sometimes its like what happen? what did I say? But he is so understanding and just works with whom ever is out at the time.

My sponsor is still helpful at times but I still feel I am in the dark sometimes theirs no one even though I do have so much support but when I go to that dark place it just me. I still have not shared much with my therapist fear of being judged, fear of what she say, fear she put us away. it is better to keep some things to self.....

What I struggle with the most the not knowing who will be out? what I will be feeling? when will I have my next crying attack ( which is sometimes hours of crying so much that my pillow is socked) I do love the days when I feel completely happy and for just a few moments I may even feel whole. I still searching for my soul at least that's how I feel always searching for my soul. Can you believe this? The affects of rap, abuse, domestic violence changes one life when they had no memories, to being care free, life is great to at times fearful of the outside, fearful of surrounding yourself with people, being in a crowed room but yet have no connection to not one person....  Sometimes being alone is so much better. I do love nature and love the parks, mountains, rivers. I look at that I think what beauty God made but how can a perfect God go so wrong when he created humans????


Each day is  a new day, each day I move forth thinking and trying to remember the good. Knowing its beauty but also knowing when the world is what it is a evil place of many walking in the darkness not even having a clue theirs a war going on between life and death, between good and evil... that we people are in the mix of this war that will only truly end when evil is no longer and the light is upon the earth........

TW- memory

TW this has much details please be cautious when reading:



 She stands before him, small, trembling a child  not sure why she has to do this, not sure how far this will go.. she must be brave as he tells her to dance slowly and take her clothes off. He wants to see her body he says she is pretty. she knows this is not good but she does what he says. she slowly turns around he tells her body is for him. move your hips he says slowing and turn to face me. a little no more then 3 perhap 4, feeling shame but not really understanding what she is feeling. she looks across the room to a door wishing her mom was home, wishing someone would help stop this.she stands before him being brave and not saying one word.
he walks to her she feeling even smaller then before. his hands begin to touch her she moves closer, liking the way his fingers reach inside her she knows its wrong she does not how she knows but she knows but the feeling is different and it feels good. he says its ok you like it see. she looks to the door once more, brave she can not be as he takes his clothes of and has  her touch him a tear slips down her cheek..

I wish this was just a story and it was not true. Last night I had to be strong sitting amongst a crowd as little children danced on stage it was innocent but my mind began to remember dancing in the middle of the floor for man . I became so angry and fearful all at once, there was a man standing not to far off to my right i knew this man he had a past he was in recovery but he liked children as he stood glaring at his phone perhaps trying to distracted himself all I can think was I hate you and want you dead knowing his past  knowing his own daughter was in the crowd knowing she had forgiving him and he was in recovery for years knowing his sins and trying to do right. but  all i could see was this man and seeing those children up on stage I just wanted to scream. but i sat there watching it was not the same I was not in a small room naked by myself with a man who wanted to  do dirty things to me, but it took me back and today I want to cry inside but cant perhaps sleep will be best...

Living

Been some time sense we shared on our blog. Lots of changes, lots of healing but such hard work....  So here is the update. Ian has been showing such anger due to the fact that Bio father has got in contacted with us after several years of not hearing form him. He is very ill, but once again we feel used people only come around when there is something they need or want. On the positive side we have found out we have lots of family but the problem is how come we never knew about this family? how come no one told us? how come we still had the abuse and no one stopped it???? so many questions and no answers...

Jay is been more on the inside , Leen is learning more about life and her feelings for JP.

And I am trying to learn to trust.......

On a good Note Cee (me) and JP are going to look at engagement rings this weekend im am very much looking forward to it......

Cee's Blog

I am Cee the host of the body, the one who is out the most, the one who runs everything on the outside for the most part. I had no memories of my abuse from the ages of 2 to 8 years old,but now my brain is sharing all the trauma that I endured.

DID is not a disorder to me as I am learning about my individuals. I am learning the positive life I had and still have with living with alters.
What others do not understand is having alters is not a bad thing for several reasons. Because of my abuse and not remembering the past. I was able to run a full life, going to college, have a great career. I would not have able to handle every day life with out there help. I am very grateful for my individuals (alters)

Life today  has its moments in 2006-7 I began to have memories of my abuse and by 2011 I found out about my Individuals and now I am learning my system.

 12/23/12
 I saw a dead man lying on the ground today, it was the past I just wanted to scream its not real cant you see,  I screamed for I just could not tell what I should feel
I am so tired, so weak in side, the pain is all around and I cant breath to see this man just die in front of me

Oh what the brain can do.

My Day With DID
Morning- mmmmm PJ not the ones I went to bed in
Breakfast- what will we have a full hour discussion on what meal we will have, sometimes I just give up and wait until lunch if their is no decision made.
Phone calls- I talked to you yesterday, really? 
Bills- I am late on a payment! but I made that payment over the phone, no I never did, mmm I thought I did.
Lunch- talking to one self while making an order check out I never order the fries , What 2 cheese burgers where did they come from?
Work- Il get right on that, I hope I dont forget.  full day great job talking to that parent. You really helped them out. Parent what parent who did I help out??? Oh I hate that
Driving home- wow! I got to the store and home already. I don't even remember getting in the car.
Training class- I Past! wait I past that's great! (Thinking to self) I took a test? I don't remember no test! I am glad I past.
Dinner- wow! I cooked all this?
Talking to JP -We had a date to the beach, really who did you take to the beach ? I don't remember going to the beach.
JP- I put every thing on the bored so you do not forget to do some of these tings tomorrow. Reminds are always good.
I have to call a debt collector? No way! Fear over powers and the conversation is taken on by another.
Time for play- little's come out to play some games. Lost time again

I am a teacher- I have been a preschool teacher fro 17 years and 10 years of owning my own preschool. Because I am regaining my memories, putting the peaces of my me back together. I had to close my school. I took some time off, but now I am ready to go back to working from home. I will be a certified preschooler in my home working with children 4 to 10 years of age.

I am very much looking forward to getting back to work. I have past my inspections and in two weeks I will have my Certifications to run the business from home. I am a little scared to go back into  the swing of things and wonder how the individuals will handle it now that we are in recovery. I think it will go very well. 




11/26/12
Today I feel so lost. I sit watching a child play and I can not seem to enjoy his presents at all. I see his happiness and wonder why can't I feel that way? I have so much to be thankful for but today I feel like I don't belong. I am part of place in a world that is not mine. I want to so much to be normal right now. I know what is normal for me normal is having energy to read story, taken walk, working  a full day and feeling like I belong.

11/29/12
Friendship Is hard to keep, more so when you have DID and your individuals do not trust anyone and they find reason to not be friends with someone. I have a great friend of 2 years. She is amazing, we have a lot in common one of them being she is also DID. She has a good fiance who I know loves her. Problem---- He is very co-dependent and has jealous issues, I feel this is going to complicate our friendship so my individuals think why not stop being friends now so later you dont get hurt.  Of course this is old thinking so Im trying to tell them that having a friend who understands is good for us. Anyways each week we get together, spend time sharing our struggles or even victories and sometimes our littles play together. Last week she canceled stating that her boy friend feels there not spending enough time together (let me add they live together see each every day and have weekends together) I tend to spend a day where he works and she is off during the week, that way I do not interfere with there time together, well he decided to take the day off on the day we get together. My thought is this will continue and soon or later she will not spend time at all and we will be just phone buddy's. I think its sad that somebody has so much jealous issues he fears he will lose his girlfriend to a another girl (let me add we are not gay and Jay my boy individual has a girlfriend that he likes alot on FB only) I feel he needs help and needs to start trusting her, but then I feel she allows it. I do not think I could be with some one who wanted to spend every moment of my time with. I love my boyfriend we see each other every day and we have date night once a week, but I have my own personal time and my time with friends as well. Balancing is the key to a healthy friendship and relationship. So I thought I just vent about it here, now I feel better... :)

12/3/12
I lost 7 pound's and I did well today with eating but I still want ice cream, cakes, and cookies :( I so want to eat  

12/5/12

I so forgot about this post that was about DID. I was reminded on FB from a friend who is also DID so I figure I post this page here for others to read.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Alter Parts

March 26, 2008 by faithallen

One of the biggest misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is that the person has two or more “people” sharing a body. This is not correct. Instead, the person has compartmentalized her memories and emotions to such a degree that they feel foreign or as if they are “not me.” Every separate part is a part of the whole person.
When a very young child (under age six) experiences trauma, she has no way to fight back. Her body is too little to have a chance of fighting off her abusers. Her only option is to flee into her own head. While the abuse is happening, she distances herself from the abuse in her head. This is called dissociation. She tells herself that the abuse is happening to “someone else.” A very young child has the ability to compartmentalize that experience by “splitting off” that experience from her conscious memory. This skill enables her to behave as if the trauma had not just occurred immediately afterward.
Immediately after the abuse happens, the child does not process or even think about what just occurred. Instead, she separates that experience from her conscious mind. The part of herself that she has “rejected” becomes its own little capsule from that experience. Some of the capsules are small, holding only one emotion or experience. Those capsules are called personality fragments. Other capsules are larger and manifest as alter personalities. All of these are called alter parts. Personality fragments are one-dimensional while alter personalities are three-dimensional.
The purpose of an alter personality is to protect the inner child. By splitting off the painful experiences and emotions, the inner child is able to continue to function as if the abuse had not occurred. This enables the child to perpetuate the illusion of innocence after innocence is taken. The part of the child that interacts with the world (which is called the host personality) is generally an innocent part that is shielded from the abuse. The child “blacks out” when the abuse is occurring because alter personalities take over to experience the abuse. The child winds up with holes in her memory because she is “not there” when the abuse is happening.
A multiple system like this (having alter parts) is a highly functional way of surviving ongoing and severe trauma. Instead of being “freaky,” DID is ingenious. If prisoners of war had the ability to do this while being tortured, I am confident that they would do it, too. It is only when the abuse ends that DID becomes dysfunctional.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
This is not my writing this was written Faithallen you can find her blog on http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/03/26/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-and-alter-parts/


12/21/12
Sorry its been a few days- I had a hard week with memories and triggers. I also ate all the wrong foods this week and still want to eat junk:( Im craving burgers right now.   I have been focusing a lot of my time on DID Discovering Me page- Please check it out and share with others. http://www.facebook.com/DidDiscoveringMe. 
I have been thinking about this book I have been reading. It has a lot of Positive thoughts in it - "A Cup Of Comfort" its really good. One story stand's out to me and Jay.  Its about a women who is struggling with some health issues and is having some depression. So she decided she needs to keep taken care of her garden to help her have a little enjoyment. She decides she wants to plant sweet peas. She planted the seeds and each day she go out check on them and tend to the garden to keep herself busy. One day as she was taken care of it she notice far off there was a little vine seeping out from the cracks in the ground and realized she must of droped some seeds outside of the garden. She did not think much about it, knowing that being the plant was far off away and had nothing to grab on to grow it will die. Each day she go to the garden and each day she notice that little plant growing. One day she took look at the plant and notice it had found a nail in the garage door not to far off from where the plant was and began to grow there. That plant would find anything it could to just survive. See for a sweet pea to grow and live the vines must have some thing to grab to grow. The women was amazed on what she was seeing this little plant found a nail, part of some wood from bottom of the garage that was cracked, it even found a spider web to grow into. The women went into the garage and got some nails and on the side of the door of the garage to put some nails in so the plant would grow each day. The women every day would go to her garden and look to see how it was growing and every did she watched the sweet pea all by it self. One day she took a look and notice that garden was beautiful but the one plant all by it self was breath taken it had grown the most peas and the vines curled around each nail and grow up the wall.  I kinda see my individuals like that survivors growing and finding anything to hold on to live. How courageous and what a fight that pea took on by itself all because it wanted to live...... Just like my individuals...... Thanks you guys.


12/29/12 Hi been a while. I have had some struggles. Food been still an issue I have not eaten well and it seems like I don't even want to try. :( I also spent time with My mother and she is so triggering for me, but I keep having hope that she will change get better. STOP BEING IN DENIAL!!!! yea I know its not something thats going to happen any time soon. she still thinks my childhood was not that bad. Yea that's why I have 19 Individuals cause life was soooo great.. I also been wanting to hurt myself again Hopeless been out a few times. There is progress she had chicken wings and I think she enjoyed it. Great its all I need another individual that wants to keep eating all the time. Tonight I thought about brusing myself but have not done it I ate cookies instead. 

My therapist suggested I begin reading and doing the work book on "The Courage To Heal" 
Here was my first question. Have I ever felt safe? It was hard for me to answer that. You see I feel safe at times with the man who I have had a relationship for the past 2 years, safe to share my abuse and truly safe to share about my individuals to him. He has shown me support and comfort when I need it. But do I feel safe truly safe? I don't think so. To be safe is to be reassured that nothing can hurt, nothing can break you, or harm you emotionally, physically, or mentally. To be 100% sure I am safe. I don't know if its possible but to have hope would be great. The next question. Do I deserve to feel safe? First thought was no I'm evil and no good and I have no right to feel safe cause I am not good enough to feel that way.
I know this is not to be true and I have a right to feel safe so why was that my first thought? 

1/4/13
Happy New Year!
I been busy redecorating JP home. We now have our own room no longer sleeping on the couch!!! YAY! 
I remember having my own room when my step father was around and having my room until I left home at 18. I have lived in my own place but never slept in my bed room it was always on the couch, now having my own room feels different, like we all have a home now a real home. Even when I was married I felt that my ex husbands home was not mine and now here in JP's home I feel like its coming along and its mine as well. I still fear that it will change at times, but its the first times I am looking forward to the decorating. The bathroom is going to be sea blue walls, we are going with a ocean theme and then my bedroom will have a brown/red color on one side and a light orange almost pinkish color on the other side. The living room I want warmth so I found a large mirror  to place on the wall to give it a look of a larger room. I am looking for a new couch to match my antique chairs I have, some day Id like to have wooden floors if JP is ok with that, but for the time being I may try to see about a nice rug. One  problem JP has a dog that just sheds every where not sure what to do. Excited about the changes

I still have not gotten any calls for any other children, its not helping my depression not even a call. I want to work but I dont want to over do myself as well. I guess Il just have to wait and see what happens

I had a flashback last night it was sad about kittens being killed it was very upsetting did not sleep much. I am ok now... 
Eating still a issue I think I gained back the weight I lost:( If we could live with out food would be nice. I have not seen my therapist fro 2 weeks now she been on vacation be nice to get back into the swing of things.  

1/9/13

I am so tired of life I just want it to end. I have been trying to work but no calls for kids so far. I have been feeling like a loser who has nothing to show for her life. What was the point of 4 years of school, running a business, working 90 hour work weeks. I have nothing from it !!!! I lost business, I lost my mind and now I cant even work a full day with out wanting to hide. I just dont know any more. I Have this great guy who help but he cant keep doing it for ever. Now i have to work but i dont feel i will be happy working a night job. I feel lazy, I feel like every thing is out of control. I have lose of memory. I feel shame, discourage, disgust and i dont want to be here at all, but to kill one self would be to easy and i dont have the guts to do it anyways...... cause  who knows how much pain il have to suffer after death as well...... I keep saying it will get better and I keep saying I have it wonderful where many dont and should be thankful but all i want to do is find a hole and hide. Im so weak-    

1/14/13
To feel numb and incomplete, today I feel like I lost my very best friend a dog lost long ago died by a man anger who did not tell the truth he killed our Dog Mickey and then the family throw Mickey in the garbage like he was junk and no good. How can any person do that to a dog? My heart is so sad my best friend is gone and for the first time I cry for him.....

Friend
A true friend never lies
A true friend is never in disguised
A true friend is always by your side
A true friend il never have
A true friend why bother with that
A true friend is a pet

I think my Beast has integrated he was the pet of the system but after the share of Mickey he became ill now its all quit and every one is in the system but Beast and Rainbow is not standing with him she always stands with him.


  2/20/13
I see I have not bloged much. I am now on medication for depression and anxiety so far its working, bt I also feel a little numb today not sure why. I think part of me misses  my best friend who I feel now has betrayed me and really not looking for me to be her friend but used me. Normally I dont care about these things and I know some of the individuals are like just get over it. Maybe I should even though wat she did is very wrong and then ignoring me... I dont know she has not been a good friend lately maybe I need to just let it go. 
 
      3/2/13
The medication has been working most of the time... Been tired and IAN been out alot sharing her anger and Im still getting flashbacks. I hate flashbacks.
I am angry at the fucking world dont you u know it, u not my typ ur the scum of the fucking earth. I trailed round hoping not to be found, but cock sucking loser with no head dont leave to myself, but wat the fuck who am I? just some dope kid with lots to fucking say. kiss my ass and drop fucking dead. I never needed no one and I dont need no one now. I been without  a daddy an fucking mommy for along time now. No daddy raised me he was to busy getting high and smoking that pipe moma working u must be joking she busy smoking drinking in the crib but that not all no that not all. Respect they say I say fuck that earn it babe cus im not no dumb ass kid  u think me is, who will let you tell me wat to say. so fuck u all any ways. IAN  
  
 4/28/13
I know its been over a month sense we blog last. been a very stressful month: Bio father got in touch with us, our system been on a emotional roller coaster so not really sure wat to share.....