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Why Blog about DID

Why Blog about DID

I am blogging about my DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) Because it is a way for me to share, my hurts, hangups, and my habits without feeling judged by others. I was never able to tell others about my abuse now I have the courage to do so.   

I blog to help others that may be experiencing something similar. I want to be able to tell someone, "hey I understand", "I get it", "I was there or yes I am still struggling with that". I do not want to make myself look like I am healed and my DID is not a problem for me, that would be a lie.

I believe my DID helped me to survive in a world of darkness and cruelty does it make it easy to live with? No not at all. At times I want to scream "WHY ME"?  and other times when I am stressed or I can not handle a situation it is very helpful.

I also blog for my Individuals, it is a way for them to have a voice, something they never could have. I could not give them that voice as a child, now I can say share all you want. Write it down, scream about it hit, or break something (within reason of course) any thing to help you get it out. Blogging works for them to.

I also can see progress from blogging from when I started until now. It has been a hard journey and a lot more is to come. The pain is at times so unbearable I just want to die, but I know I am so strong and I have such great support. My Boyfriend, My Sponsor, My therapist, My friends, and My FB friends and my blog and most important My God because of them I'm getting what I need to help me stay strong when I feel so weak.

Blogging for me is my journal, when I feel no one hears, no one cares, no one sees my pain putting it down helps me be strong in my day.

All Of Us

To those who would like to know Us:
All Of Us. My Individuals.starting From Top left: Is Little Cee My Core
Babie who is 1 1/2, Lisa she is 4 very playful, shadow 7 he is very educated amazes me how much he knows for his age, Becca 12 she holds lots of hurt and has hard time trusting,Iris Blue 5 she stuck in the past, MeMe she 61/2 she is my worrier, Shim and Max (all ages) took on sexual abuse they are Siamese twins, Rainbow, Whisper (not sure about them just yet) Sap he is 8, I Am Nothing (I.A.N.) Don't know much about her except she curses alot and does not seem to care about what others think.  MeMyselfand I she is an adivers to the system, Jay The seeker he is 16, Possessed she is 15, Jessica and Leen my Keepers, Alexander the great the warrior, Hopeless is depressed

In 2011 Cee our Host (you will not see a picture of her) came to realize she was DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) Took her several months to believe that this is what it was.

Cee~ For many who are questioning "Do I have DID"? I asked that for a long time. When I was about maybe 5 years old I remember hearing voices, but they always told me do not tell any one you hear us. I also always felt outside myself like a back seat driver looking at everything around me as if I was in a movie. I now know it was My alters or as I like to say my individuals, my protectors. I lived in a world of fantasy and imagination. For a very long time I had amnesia until I began having memories in 2006-07, I never thought I was abused or harmed by my family members. I thought, the things that happen in my home where normal. 

Now I know different, Now I know I was was a victim of physical, sexual, emotional and domestic abuse from the age of 1 1/2 to about 8 years old. At 8 life changed for a while, with a good man who showed tenderness, caring, and understanding to a child. It would last for about 5 years and once again life would change to physical and emotional abuse until I left home at the age of 18. And in all that time the voices never went away and I still never told a soul, not until I am 32 years old. When I find comfort and understanding from a group of women who where all victims of abuse. One women who is now my sponsor, shared her story and as she told hers I felt like she was telling mine. For the first time I felt emotions I never had. It was time for all those in side to begin sharing there Story and we are all on the road to Discovering Me.

My core: The child that was born, the regional me. I some times think she is a sleep, but not a deep sleep because every once in awhile, I think she comes out confused and not sure where she really is and so she goes back to sleep. What I do know about the Core is she somewhere in the Abyss (As many of my individuals have shared) The Abyss is a place away from the world, surrounded by flames of fire so no one can enter there. 



Babie: Babie was the first created, she is now 2 years old. Babie had a special birthday party and love ice cream cake. Babie was the first to be molested. She is so playful, loves bubbles and loves singing songs.  I have learned that Babie wakes up during night from bad dreams, of course I do not remember them or her waking up. What I do know is she wants to be held. She never really cry's and she is loved by everyone in the system.Babie has a special doll she sleeps with every night.

Lisa: Lisa is my playful child, she is 4 years old, loves baby dolls and singing her ABC a lot and her favorite color is pink.  Lisa has not shared her story and I am not sure if she ever will. She talks about a special pink dress she had but can not find.

 Jason Shadow: Shadow, which is what he prefers to be called. He is 7 years old. I know a little of Shadow's story, but he is unwilling to let me share it. I can tell you he is very brave, so educated. He loves writing stories, He knows a lot about Ham Radios, and Phonetics. Shadow picks up things very quickly and he is very compassionate, loves helping others.

Rebecca: Becca is 12 years old she tends to live in the past of the man that was kind to us between the age of 8-12 years old. If she comes out she normally asks if we know her daddy? Becca loves stories, she loves to make things out of wood. she made a bird house that she is very proud of. She has 2 gerbils that she loves and takes care of every day. The gray one is Fluffy and the yellow one is Alvin. Becca also loves cats and as a special blanket that she shares with the little's that they all call Kitty. No one sleeps at night with out kitty. Once I left Ketty away when I went on trip for the weekend. I never slept and all my little's where so upset. (so here is a tip if a little has something special to sleep with Don't ever for get it)

Iris is 5years old she stuck in the past, the summer of 1984. Iris now has come to know Jay in the system and has moved forward a few months. We think this is good and she is making progress. Iris loves Iris blue flowers. She is lonely, spends a lot of time at home alone, she feels unloved. Iris is very friendly and curious. 

Meme: Meme is 6 1/2 years old she very scared of the world. Every thing is bad and people are bad too. She can have a tamper and she is  also the one who cry's in the system. Meme Loves the color purple, pizza and wants to be a princess.




 Shim and Max my Siamese Twins. They took on my Rap, there age is endless sometimes I think. They are formed by trees, branches, dirt and covered with bugs so the picture above is not what they look like but it is the way they feel. They have taken on a lot of pain.

Rainbow- I really have not learn much about her, she is very much to herself and I'm not sure of her age, At times she seems like a small child and other times she seems so much older but emotionally very young. Rainbow has A special Pet Beast a big yellow orange dog (golden retriever I'm thinking) I know some of her history and have shared a little on blog but at this time I can not share all of it. Maybe someday.

Beast is the pet in the system he hates licking but will give you love nibbles, he closest to Rainbow. Beast story is in blog with Rainbows. Beast loves playing with balls.Beast we believe as integrated. after a story was shared. Beast became sick and then we did not hear from him. Many in the system say they still feel him around.









Whisper: Whisper's personality fits her name, she is very soft spoken when she does speak. She is a shifter so her age changes from a little  to an adult. She is a writer and loves to do all kinds of poetry from Gothic to all about Jesus.
Whisper as not shared much of her story. She tends to keeps to herself for the most part.

 Sap: Sap Was connect with Shim and Max but he split from them. I do not know Saps story. What I do know is Sap communicates with 80's music and tv commercial's, which is very interesting to me because I do not watch much TV at all. I think its hard for Sap to communicating any other way.

This is I.A.N. (I Am Nothing) she was just found a few weeks ago but I have not introduced her until now. I do not now much about her expect she makes me feel very uncomfortable, she curses a lot and has a lot of negativity.. not sure about age just yet. We have now learned that I.A.N. is part of Alexander the great- that Alexander is DID kinda wired when I heard that. and very hard to understand.

Me-Myself and- I she is 16 years old she loves dancing like a ballerina, she does not talk much and prefers not for others to know anything about her. she dose not feel like most others in the system and she is  very tolerate to pain.

Jay Waz up all. I'm 21 years olde. I waz made to live on the streets but I am the one who kept the peace in the neighborhood. I did have lots of friendz peepz knew that I waz kool. I could handle myself  if need be. My Mother waz a druggie so I had to help her when she waz needing a fix. I like WWF, Supper Mario Brothers Video games, and Harley Motorcycles.  I waz created when a man pulled a knife on me when I waz 5 years old. After being off the streetz I waz in the back for a long time. I came out totally confused and not sure where I waz. But I have gotten lotz of support, lotz of changez, but Im working through them.I have decided to growz and see watz life got for me. when first coming out and introducing myself i waz 13. I be thinking il be liking 21 ;)  Laterz.





Possessed here. I'm 15 years old. I have no plans of growing or sharing all my business with you peeps. I can rock any mans world and turn them on good. I'm hot but I know when I have to be a bitch. Love is  a word I do not understand or care to have. Possessed tries to be strong but she as a soft side. She is my cartoon artist and singer.

Jessica is Keeper 2 She is 30 years old so she has pretty much grown with me.she ran most of my life from 2000-2009 she is very organized. Jessica got me through school, ran my business and my marriage (now divorced). She takes care of all the little's in the system. She is very proper. Jessica spends most of her time now just taken care of the little's so I can start my healing and regain my memories. Jessica knows all of the system. Jessica is my artist and poet.

Leen Keeper 3 was created to help Jessica when Life began to change she could not handle the changes, but knew it was for the best for the system and myself. Leen has a lot of Jessica's personality, but she also has a lot of me in her, she feels my emotions and she dreams of a family as I do.



Alexander the Great The warrior and Keep1, he tends to keep Iris safe the most, He can be very aggressive if he feels danger, he is very old school and speaks his mind. We never want Alexander to become upset. He very much protector of all and many have to speak with him before a change in the system can be made.

Hopeless Rage: Very depressed will not speak, harms the body by  bruises, smacking and pulling hair. she also breaks things. Her world is dark and the world is evil to her.

Signs and Symptoms of DID:

Signs and Symptoms of DID: Stars indicate my struggles.

• Current memory loss of everyday events
• Depersonalization *
• Depression*
• Derealization*
• Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states *
• Distortion or loss of subjective time. Mostly co-conscience- have lost a few moments when in converstation with others
• Flashbacks of abuse/trauma *
• Frequent panic/anxiety attacks *
• Identity confusion*
• Mood swings^[19]*
• Multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs*
• Paranoia^[21]
• Pseudoseizures or other conversion symptoms
• Psychotic-like symptoms such as hearing voices *
• Self-alteration (feeling as if one's body belongs to someone else)*
• Somatic symptoms that vary across identities
• Sudden anger without a justified cause*
• Spontaneous trance states *
• Suicidal and para-suicidal behaviors.*
• Unexplainable phobias *

Facts of Child Abuse:

This information was given to me from the website http://www.helpguide.org/

 

Child Abuse:

Child abuse is more than bruises and broken bones. While physical abuse might be the most visible, other types of abuse, such as emotional abuse and neglect, also leave deep, lasting scars. The earlier abused children get help, the greater chance they have to heal and break the cycle—rather than perpetuating it. By learning about common signs of abuse and what you can do to intervene, you can make a huge difference in a child’s life.

Facts about Abuse:

1. Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others are less likely to intervene.
2. While it's easy to say that only "bad people" abuse their children, it's not always so black and white. Not all abusers are intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem. (Note: not all DID or others with mental health issues will become an abuser, in fact many due live there lives with showing love, understanding, and compassion to each child they may parent or as a caregiver.) 
3. Child abuse doesn't only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.
4. While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family.
5. children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.

Child Sexual Abuse:

Child sexual abuse is an especially complicated form of abuse because of its layers of guilt and shame. It's important to recognize that sexual abuse doesn't always involve body contact. Exposing a child to sexual situations or material is sexually abusive, whether or not touching is involved.
While news stories of sexual predators are scary, what is even more frightening is that sexual abuse usually occurs at the hands of someone the child knows and should be able to trust—most often close relatives. And contrary to what many believe, it’s not just girls who are at risk. Boys and girls both suffer from sexual abuse. In fact, sexual abuse of boys may be under reported due to shame and stigma.

If you know anyone who is being abuse please contact the 1-800 child abuse hot line Now!!!!

Kitty Story

KITTY!

By Rebecca Raymond

Illustrated by The Editor

Once upon a time there was a very sad little girl named Candy because she loved candy so much, but never got to really have any. Candy was sad because she had no one to love her and no one to play with her.

Until one day she was walking down the street and saw this little tiny kitten. He was all black except for his feet and a little part of his tail they were white like little boots. The sad little girl knew he was a special kitty because he had a patch on his eye from being hurt and all alone, just like Candy. Candy wanted to take him home, but was afraid that the mean lady would hurt him so she hid him in her jacket.

Every morning Candy would run to the kitchen and get Kitty some milk and tuna fish that was kitty’s favorite meal. Candy and Kitty played all the time. They both were so happy and loved each so very much. Candy was never sad when Kitty was around.

One day the mean lady found out about Kitty so she left the back door open so Kitty could go out and then when he did he would go away and never come back. Kitty did get out of the house. Candy looked for him every where. “Kitty”, “Kitty” she yell in the house, in the back yard every where she could look, but no Kitty.

Candy became really sick, the mean lady showed some concern she gave Candy soup and juice to help her, took her to the doctors, but nothing would help Candy. The mean lady said to doctor “I just don’t understand why she will not get better”? The Doctor looked and Candy. “Candy, do you want to get better”? The doctor asked. No Doctor, you see I can’t live with out my kitty, he is my best friend and I can’t find him, if Kitty can’t be with me then I just don’t want to live with out him. Oh dear said the doctor looking at the mean lady. I think it would be best to find this kitty she speaks of or she will die from a broken heart. This compelled the mean lady to find Kitty she began to search for him every where, in ally ways, under cars, in stores, she even went to the newspaper where she meets a very kind gentlemen The Editor who draws a perfect picture of kitty. The Editor even went to peoples houses searching and searching until one day he found this empty house he entered and there was Kitty, Hungry and Scared. The Editor took Kitty to Candy who was so happy to See Kitty. Thank you, Thank you for finding my best friend. Candy was never sad or lonely again she had her Kitty and she made a friend with The Editor. The End

Want Me Baby Poetry

You want me baby
You want to see how good il be
You want me baby
This is true
no time for joking

you mean nothing to me
you want me baby
this I can see
you dont know
how I need to be free
I can stay lost in the dark
so i dont have to see
you want me baby
this i know
to see how good il be
no time for joking
try and rap your arms around me
cold as ice is something
you will feel beside me
You want be baby
you think Il be so good
no time for joking
you mean nothing to me
Il try to go
you hold me close
yea you want me baby
thats plane to see
you want to see how good il be
you want me baby
just let me go

By possessed