Do you ever feel your life is a lie and nothing is true? From the moment you were born it all became a big fat LIE!!!!!!
Sometimes I want to know every thing, I want all my memories and to know 100% I am not CRAZY!!! but then I think what if I am Crazy??? What if every thing I have been feeling, seeing and thinking is all a lie... But then I think why would I make up such a outrageous lie????
Sometimes I think all my parts are not real and some day every one will know the truth that I am a LIAR!!! But then I think every thing I believe in will be a lie every moment I have shared, cried and laughed with Shadow, Jay, Shim, Leen etc. it all be for nothing!!!!!
How can I say there a lie even now as I write this, I see them for the individuals they are, none look like me, I don't even think they act like me. I know I am not the brave person they are oh how brave and courageous they have been in a way I can never ever be.
My life is DID or as I like to say DIG.... How did I keep this hidden for so long, people who think they know me, really don't how can they when at times I don't even know myself....
I think about what is normal? Normal I don't think anyone really knows what normal is, its what the world thinks normal is and to be in the world you have to play normal....
So here I play normal, fear of what would people think in world? Fear of losing what I love working with children, fear of people pointing fingers saying I'm nothing but a liar, but wait was there not a famous football player who came out that he was DID and wrote a book about it???
I want to tell people about my recovery how I feel God, JP, My, Friends, My sponsor the once that I hide the world from so others cant know.... Do I even make seance? I want to help others by sharing my story
I am not a liar, I was victim of abuse. I was a child and bad things happen to me so much that I had to find a way to live and that was not remembering and having others help me...... That is Truth...
I have this side of me a new part perhaps who is denial, who thinks she is one and there is no others and she refuses to see me. But I need her to see me for she is part of me but another puzzle that needs to find its place......
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
My life now with DID
We have been changing and growing its been some time since we have blogged. Where to begin??
Leen and Jessica are pretty much inward these days. The good news.... I have been out a whole lot more and co-concussions. Rebecca and Beast have integrated, I believe have not heard from nether in some time.
I am working and sharing more of my story with others..
Life today has its moments. I feel the switch more, my headaches are not as bad unless I am at Disney world lol... All the little's love it and they also love Peanut butter Ice cream (who knew) lol I find I struggle with guilt that I did not help my individuals. The memories seem to get worse, but I am no longer shocked, but I still at times go into denial and I even say I am faking this because there is no way this could be happen...
I have developed some amazing friends also with DID it does help to know there are others.
I still take medication for my depression and anxiety this does help most times of course each day I tend to struggle with some form of emotion not ever really sure what I am feeling. My therapist says its ok and that she feels I try to rush my recovery (of course who would not, who would not want to just get better)?
My bio father has moved close and I am hoping for a friendship to develop of course he does not know about DID but he does know about my PTSD but don't think he really gets it. As for my dear mother she still has drama in her life, she still has abusive people and I am just over hoping that she will change and realize she does not need to pick such losers in her life, but I am also learning its her life I have boundaries. We see her one to perhaps 3 times a month.
My relationship with JP- To have someone truly care who deals with anger, self harmer and personality changes from day to day is a amazing to say. "I am his rose and we are beautiful." touches my heart so .
He does struggle with some insiders who have some major anger and like to play games with him. some times I feel its me I know whats happening but I cant seem to stop it at times and sometimes its like what happen? what did I say? But he is so understanding and just works with whom ever is out at the time.
My sponsor is still helpful at times but I still feel I am in the dark sometimes theirs no one even though I do have so much support but when I go to that dark place it just me. I still have not shared much with my therapist fear of being judged, fear of what she say, fear she put us away. it is better to keep some things to self.....
What I struggle with the most the not knowing who will be out? what I will be feeling? when will I have my next crying attack ( which is sometimes hours of crying so much that my pillow is socked) I do love the days when I feel completely happy and for just a few moments I may even feel whole. I still searching for my soul at least that's how I feel always searching for my soul. Can you believe this? The affects of rap, abuse, domestic violence changes one life when they had no memories, to being care free, life is great to at times fearful of the outside, fearful of surrounding yourself with people, being in a crowed room but yet have no connection to not one person.... Sometimes being alone is so much better. I do love nature and love the parks, mountains, rivers. I look at that I think what beauty God made but how can a perfect God go so wrong when he created humans????
Each day is a new day, each day I move forth thinking and trying to remember the good. Knowing its beauty but also knowing when the world is what it is a evil place of many walking in the darkness not even having a clue theirs a war going on between life and death, between good and evil... that we people are in the mix of this war that will only truly end when evil is no longer and the light is upon the earth........
Leen and Jessica are pretty much inward these days. The good news.... I have been out a whole lot more and co-concussions. Rebecca and Beast have integrated, I believe have not heard from nether in some time.
I am working and sharing more of my story with others..
Life today has its moments. I feel the switch more, my headaches are not as bad unless I am at Disney world lol... All the little's love it and they also love Peanut butter Ice cream (who knew) lol I find I struggle with guilt that I did not help my individuals. The memories seem to get worse, but I am no longer shocked, but I still at times go into denial and I even say I am faking this because there is no way this could be happen...
I have developed some amazing friends also with DID it does help to know there are others.
I still take medication for my depression and anxiety this does help most times of course each day I tend to struggle with some form of emotion not ever really sure what I am feeling. My therapist says its ok and that she feels I try to rush my recovery (of course who would not, who would not want to just get better)?
My bio father has moved close and I am hoping for a friendship to develop of course he does not know about DID but he does know about my PTSD but don't think he really gets it. As for my dear mother she still has drama in her life, she still has abusive people and I am just over hoping that she will change and realize she does not need to pick such losers in her life, but I am also learning its her life I have boundaries. We see her one to perhaps 3 times a month.
My relationship with JP- To have someone truly care who deals with anger, self harmer and personality changes from day to day is a amazing to say. "I am his rose and we are beautiful." touches my heart so .
He does struggle with some insiders who have some major anger and like to play games with him. some times I feel its me I know whats happening but I cant seem to stop it at times and sometimes its like what happen? what did I say? But he is so understanding and just works with whom ever is out at the time.
My sponsor is still helpful at times but I still feel I am in the dark sometimes theirs no one even though I do have so much support but when I go to that dark place it just me. I still have not shared much with my therapist fear of being judged, fear of what she say, fear she put us away. it is better to keep some things to self.....
What I struggle with the most the not knowing who will be out? what I will be feeling? when will I have my next crying attack ( which is sometimes hours of crying so much that my pillow is socked) I do love the days when I feel completely happy and for just a few moments I may even feel whole. I still searching for my soul at least that's how I feel always searching for my soul. Can you believe this? The affects of rap, abuse, domestic violence changes one life when they had no memories, to being care free, life is great to at times fearful of the outside, fearful of surrounding yourself with people, being in a crowed room but yet have no connection to not one person.... Sometimes being alone is so much better. I do love nature and love the parks, mountains, rivers. I look at that I think what beauty God made but how can a perfect God go so wrong when he created humans????
Each day is a new day, each day I move forth thinking and trying to remember the good. Knowing its beauty but also knowing when the world is what it is a evil place of many walking in the darkness not even having a clue theirs a war going on between life and death, between good and evil... that we people are in the mix of this war that will only truly end when evil is no longer and the light is upon the earth........
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