Life and Lies

 Do you ever feel your life is a lie and nothing is true? From the moment you were born it all became a big fat LIE!!!!!!

Sometimes I want to know every thing, I want all my memories and to know 100% I am not CRAZY!!! but then I think what if I am Crazy??? What if every thing I have been feeling, seeing and thinking is all a lie... But then I think why would I make up such a outrageous lie????

Sometimes I think all my parts are not real and some day every one will know the truth that I am a LIAR!!! But then I think every thing I believe in will be a lie every moment I have shared, cried and laughed with Shadow, Jay, Shim, Leen etc. it all be for nothing!!!!!

How can I say there a lie even now as I write this, I see them for the individuals they are,  none look like me, I don't even think they act like me. I know I am not the brave person they are oh  how brave and courageous they have been in a way I can never ever be.

My life is DID or as I like to say DIG.... How did I keep this hidden for so long, people who think they know me, really don't how can they when at times I don't even know myself....


I think about what is normal? Normal I don't think anyone really knows what normal is, its what the world  thinks normal is and to be in the world you have to play normal....
So here I play normal, fear of what would people think in world? Fear of losing what I love working with children, fear of people pointing fingers saying I'm nothing but a liar, but wait was there not a famous football player who came out that he was DID and wrote a book about it???

I want to tell people about my recovery how I feel God, JP, My, Friends, My sponsor the once that I hide the world from so others cant know.... Do I even make seance? I want to help others by sharing my story

I am not a liar, I was victim of abuse. I was a child and bad things happen to me so much that I had to find a way to live and that was not remembering and having others help me...... That is Truth...

I have this side of me a new part perhaps who is denial, who thinks she is one and there is no others and she refuses to see me.  But I need her to see me for she is part of me but another puzzle that needs to find its place......