Trigger
I was saying good bye too two adorable boys that I have had been blessed to care for over a year. Looking at them I would miss them so much, it will be time for them to go back to there mother, a mother who had an addiction to drugs, a mother who got a second chance, And me well I have no children, do I want children? Oh Yes with all my heart, but in that moment those boys where my children.
There mother picked them up, put them in the car and I said goodbye, but what I really saw was a women walking around drunk stumbling over her feet trying to get the next drink.
As I wave good bye, I go inside where I sit alone and then the memory hits like a bucket of cold ice.
Seeing lots of people in the room, people that where so out of it, it was ridicules So much yelling and so much screaming so much fighting. Two men drunk fighting wanting to kill one another became my surroundings. I was on the women’s bed sitting beside me a boy with tears rolling down his face, but I was watching all of this. An ax falls and blood is all around the moment that the blood hit my face the boy stops crying or was it me that was crying? I am not sure. I just sat as these two men tried killing one another all because of drugs.
My body falls backwards looking at the ceiling but then I was sitting next to me. I knew I was lying on the bed but I was also sitting beside me?
I always felt my self not in my body, lost always lost that’s what I always felt. In the dark but knew no one could see the darkness I was in.
Sharing this memory I realized I was sitting for several hours. Sitting looking at the past oh well I must carry on. The most amazing creatures on earth two boys now where gone and I felt nothing, it was like it did not happen, it was like watching the boys, was a movie that played out and in the end there mother got them back.. And I just got up and that other part, the part that is always so close but so far was beside me getting ready to live a life that had no feelings, and no joy.
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